Goodbye baby

We had another doctor's appointment toay. It was supposed to be our first time to see the baby with ultrasound. Instead, there is only emptiness inside me.

As expected, I have had a natural termination of pregnancy. When the doctor is relaying the news to us, I must've seemed kind of cold because I didn't have much change in expression. I have had a day to adjust the news and today is just another person telling me the news that I have finally come to accept yesterday.


Last night, Jaime took me out to have dinner at Katherine's place. he wanted to take the sad news off my mind. Afterwards, we went to see the Pirates III. The strategy worked for a bit, for awhile, I almost did not remember that I had been pregnant. But as we waved our friends goodbye, I couldn't help but start feeling sad again. After I went home, I cried myself to sleep. Many questions, many guilts but we can only say goodbye to our baby...


Goodbye baby. Mami and bapi know that the time to meet you is not too far away. Mami needs to try again when she is healthy again...

我的BB

早上去走了一圈回来後 洗了个澡
坐在哪 心里知道有些不太对劲
走到浴室一看
之前只有些许褐红色的出血 今天变成了鲜红色 量也多了

我打了电话 与老公商量 他让我去看医生

我找了嘉惠姐 她跟嘉珍姐商量後
建议我还是去就近的医院挂急诊
二伯跟她就带着两个孩子 和我一起去了医院

到了医院 等了一会儿
医生便帮我做超音波
看了半天 他斜着头 百思不解
他说看不到胎儿
听到这话 我心都凉了
怎麽会呢？我明天原本就预定好了去做第一次超音波
怎麽才差一天 就看不到了呢？
他说只有两个可能 一是不幸流产 二是子宫外孕
既然我下午还赶着回香港 而我腹部又无疼痛
最好回到香港再好好去检查

我不知怎麽理解 但看到出血量及医生的表情
及我的直觉 我想绝对不会是好消息

二伯跟堂姐带我到了车站 我微着笑向他们道别
没一分钟 老公打来了
听到他的声音 我不禁呜泣了起来
我的BB 慢慢地从我身上流失 但我却无能为力
老公不断安慰我 说我们有的是机会
我却无法似他那麽看得开 也许要等明天确定後
我才能承认这个事实吧

Week 7 - May 26, 2007

Hello baby, you and I are going to Douliu today to see great grandma and grandpa. Hehe, grandpa does not know that he is going to be a grandpa yet... He promised to quit smoking when he becomes one so he probably gets to enjoy smoking for a bit longer.

Bapi was extremely nervous with mami traveling alone. Mami told him that we would walk slowly and just relax. Bapi kissed both us goodbye and seems to be quite sad that he is going to be home alone for one day. Oh ya, Bapi emphasized that we gotta be careful when crossing streets...
Baby, you have been a good baby and not caused mami much symtoms (other than expansion of my body mass). You will continue to be a good boy/girl. Mami has all these trips planned long time ago and cannot change them but we will be careful... In another week, we will be taking another trip to the US and we will see all these lovely aunties and uncles.... Love

Week 7 - May 23, 2007

我们的小bb这个星期就应该看得到了
身体上的变化 越来越明显
以前想拥有的罩杯 实际上对背部是个极大的负担
衣服也感觉紧了些 衣柜里可穿得上的西装 越来越少
腰围虽然还没有完全消失 肚子却慢慢地跑出来
(我老公非常不给我面子 还是坚持我就算没怀孕 也是有小肚子的)
我想这应该是当妈妈要牺牲的第一步吧

早上老公帮我拍了照 我们以后可能每周都拍
bb该知道他对老妈原本曼妙身材所造成的伤害 ( 嘻嘻)
看我妈妈的经验 有可能我身材就回不来了
我妈上周六一看到我　就直喊怎么我的patpat下垂啦
我只能在过一个月再解释咯
这几天 bb有些不稳定 有些出血的情况
护士叫我多多休息 不能趴趴走
Katherine原本想带我去郑秀文的演唱会
只好放弃咯 (可是很好的位子呢）
bb: 长大了可要多带老妈去看演唱会唷
ps: 走路也比以前慢了许多
连过马路也会等红灯
再过怎么说我可是越来越有母性了

Week 6 - May 20, 2007

Jaime and I went for the doctor check-up for the first time last Friday. Like all parents-to-be, we are just eager to find out whether or not we are indeed "parents-to-be." Doctor told us that he will only confirm after the blood test since we wont actually see the baby until another 7-10 days. There was some brown color discharge that made us worried. Doctor was being cautious and warned us that it is possible to have a late period but no pregnancy and wanted to me monitor the situation closely and the nurse would call me on Saturday to confirm.
Saturday we were hanging out in Shanghai with Emily and Andy. The nurse did not call in the morning so I was quite nervous. Jaime got his phone stolen the night before so we were left with no number to call. Finally, just when we were about to give up, the phone call came around 1pm. "Congratulations! the test confirmed the good news," she said, "and we will see you back next Monday and we should be able to see the baby then." What an exciting news! I couldn't really change my expression since at the lunch table there were Emily, Andy and my mom. Jaime looked at me very anxiously. I looked at him and gave him a smile only he would understand. Yes Yes Yes! our little baby is growing inside me!
Jaime has been extremely cautious ever since we have been trying for baby. Not too much seafood (a topic that got us into a fight at the fish market in Sydney). Only imported beef and perferrably organic vegetables and fruits. Of course you can imagine what a pain it must have been to be thinking about these issues in Shanghai. Mom wanted me to go for a facial and he was worried about the chemicals. Already the responsibilities of being a parent come ahead of the baby itself. But it's better to err on the conservative side...
Can't wait to share this news with the world. Of course, Jaime also tells me that only after three months, we can be sure and confident that our baby is here to stay. But I really can't wait....Are we really ready?

Yes or No? - May 12, 2007

早上起床第一件事
就是再次确认是否身体中确实是有个小生命在孕育
等了说明书中需要的2到5分钟 发现结果与前天是发现的结果是相反的
不知道到底该相信哪一项测试
两个不同的牌子 两个不同的结果
但心情的落差却是天与地

我回床继续睡觉 闷闷地把这事告诉了老公
他让我别担心
原本我们就没有预计BB会来有这么早 所以也不用过分在意
但我怎能不在意呢？
因为此事 今天做什么事也提不了劲
只能希望是品牌质量的误差而导致错误的结果
至少我自己的身体还没有否定这个小小生命的存在...
而我也会继续满怀希望地等待我小小宝贝的到来

Week 4 - May 11, 2007

I am going to be a mommy! I can't publish this blog yet until I'm past Week 12 (after July 10), but I thought I should start keeping a journal so my baby won't have his/her first 12 weeks blank. I have always had faith that we will have a little one soon and I was determined to have a piggy. But given that we only really started trying in April (insurance point), it's such a wonderful news when yesterday we confirmed with home pregnancy test that I have actually conceived!
I have always liked to schedule my life but never thought that things like this could also follow my schedule, haha! Jaime and I are so so so excited about this news and really do not know how we will be able to keep it a secret until week 12.
Christy told me yesterday that she is confirmed that her second one is on the way! I'm so excited that I will have a close friend going through the same thing during the same period. Christy's little one, Nicholas, is only 11 months. But he is such a cuteball. Watching him makes our desire to have our little one stronger. But I guess I can't share this great news with her yet until my baby is a bit older (her second one is 6 weeks older than mine)... I can't wait...